


Wicked and the Attack of the Badfic Author

by Old deeplyshallow (deeplyshallow)



Category: Wicked - All Media Types, Wicked - Schwartz/Holzman
Genre: Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-23
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:49:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26073691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deeplyshallow/pseuds/Old%20deeplyshallow
Summary: They've faced Wizards, they've faced evil head teachers, they've faced Ozians with pitchforks, but can the Wicked crew face the greatest evil of them all - the badfic author?
Relationships: Elphaba Thropp/Fiyero Tigelaar
Kudos: 1





	Wicked and the Attack of the Badfic Author

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published on fanfiction.net: 22/6/10

Their life was perfect, their own little piece of heaven. They lived in a little village with all the Animals that the Wizard had imprisoned and they had managed to get them all to speak again, now Doctor Dillamond was married and had lots of little kids. Elphaba had magically turned Fiyero back into a human and now she was two weeks pregnant with their son which they had decided to call Liir!

But just one thing was troubling them; Glinda still did not know that they were alive. One day after seeing Elphaba cry all night Fiyero knew what he must do.

"I no it's dangerous," he said, "but I'm going to return to Oz to tell Glinda that we're alive."

"Ok," said Elphaba, "but be careful."

"I will," Fiyero promised, "goodbye my one true love, I'll be back soon, I'll miss you every moment were apart," and he opened the door and walked out, blowing his green goddess a kiss, and then closed the door behind him, wiping a tear from his eye as he left his Fae.

"I'll miss you so much to," cried Elphaba silently, tears started falling down her green cheeks like a fast flowing waterfall, but she knew it was safer for her to stay home.

Fiyero walked all the way to Oz in his sexy tight white pants. There was no logical reason as to why he still had them, nor why he would want to wear something so tight on such long walk, but he looked hot in them so it didn't really matter much.

He arrived at the Emerald City and entered Glinda the Goods palace, she was crying because she missed Elphaba and Fiyero so much.

"Hello Glinda," said Fiyero.

Glinda turned round, "oh wow Fiyero! You and Elphie are alive!" she squealed, "I am so happy, me and Boq are married now and I turned him back into a human and now I'm one week pregnant with a girl," she stopped her announcement of the daughter she was expecting, who would evidently end up having some sappy love story about her and Fiyero and Elphaba's son written about her, to draw breath before continuing, "and I don't mind that you left me for Elphaba Fifi, because I have found my one true love with Boq and you and Elphaba are soul mates and you love her more than anything right?"

"No!"

"What?" squealed Glinda, was he leaving room for the author to write a Gelphie? "You don't love Elphaba?"

"No! No, no, no, no, NO!" he shouted in a voice so powerful it shattered whatever was left of the forth wall, "I REFUSE to be part of this."

Glinda looked at him as if he had just grown another head, "What are you talking about Fifi?"

"I'm talking about this," he said gesturing wildly around the room, "this author's hopeless! I'm out of character, you're out of character, Elphie's very out of character, she's used a truly horrible simile and you're with Boq!"

"What?" squealed Glinda, "but Boq's my one true love! He's my soul mate! We were fated to be together from the dawn of time no matter what those stupid canon authors say! And our little baby Boquinda is going to be perfect in every single way!"

In one swift movement Fiyero reached over and slapped Glinda across the cheek.

"Oww, Fiyero!" she squealed, "that really hurt what did you do that fo…" suddenly her eyes rolled back into her head as her OCCness left her and she found there were other ways to describe her speech apart from 'squealed', "Eww, Biq!"

Fiyero grinned, "Glad to have you back."

Glinda looked at him sternly, "Wait a minute mister, you're not out of hot water yet, what in Oz were you and Elphie thinking letting me think you were dead? Come to think of it how come you're alive?"

Fiyero groaned, he had forgotten that he might have some explaining to do once Glinda actually became in character.

Thankfully, he was interrupted by a high pitched adolescent voice screaming from the sky, "What are you doing? That's not want I want to happen!" ok, so perhaps not so thankfully.

Glinda looked around, panicked, for the source of the voice, "Who was that?"

"That I believe," said Fiyero grimly, "was the author."

"Yes I am," insisted the girl stubbornly, "now get back to your conversation NOW!"

"Control freak," Glinda muttered.

"I'm not participating in your stupid story," Fiyero told her, "learn how to write in character, try to think of an original plot, work out the difference between 'no' and 'know' and then try again in a couple of years and maybe we'll think about participating in your stories. Oz and people think I'm brainless."

"No! That's not fair!" the author cried, "It's _fanfiction_ I do this for _fun_ you can't stop me writing!"

"I think we can," Fiyero replied, "come on Glinda let's go," he said and pulled her out of the room.

"Wait… where are you going?"

Fiyero sighed, he almost felt sorry for this author and her brain cell, "Somewhere where you can't find us!"

"You do know that that was incredibly cliché and in no way useful?" asked Elphaba who had just joined them on the streets of the Emerald City, having flown there with impeccable timing that could only happen in a fanfic – but we'll excuse this because everyone knows Wicked stories are much more fun if they have Elphaba in them – and anyway she needs to be in this now to move the plot forward.

"Yes," Fiyero replied indignantly, "but just because this author spouts rubbish at every given moment doesn't mean I have to lose my stupidity and general cheesiness. Any particular reason you decided to stop your OOC moping?"

"Someone needs to supervise you when you're doing something stupid," she replied

"Isn't that a bit irresponsible for someone who's a whole two weeks pregnant?"

"Fiyero, be quiet, you're already in trouble for that 'goodbye my one true love' comment."

"Fine fine, I guess Glinda needs to be careful too though, she's pregnant – with Boq's child!"

Glinda shivered, "Don't remind me, I have the memories of how that happened."

They reached the gates out of the Emerald City which, according to the dreaded author, had become remarkably pink since Glinda came into power. Then ran for the poppy fields – which lay outside the city just like in the MGM movie – when they heard the evil cackle of the author who had turned into the monster who lurks just under the skin of every rabid fangirl.

"Mwahahaha! You can run from me but you can't hide! You may be in character but I am in control of everything else!"

Suddenly Nessa appeared in front of them.

Elphaba gasped, "But Nessa, you got squashed by a house, you're dead!"

Nessa shrugged, "I got better."

"And how come you can walk when you're not wearing you're ruby/silver (depending on your canon source) slippers?" asked Glinda.

"Hey, it's fanfic, technicalities don't count," she replied, "Anyway, that's not the point," her face twisted into one of a demons – as the author didn't like Nessa and wanted everyone else to think she was evil, "YOU STOLE MY BOQIKINS!"

Realising that Nessa too was controlled by the will of the evil author, Elphaba and Fiyero shrunk back and Glinda managed to stutter, "B…b…but… I haven't… you can have him… I don't even love him…"

"You LIAR," screamed Nessa, "you have captured the heart of my Boqipoo and you will PAY THE PUNISHMENT!"

Glinda, terrified, began to run but Nessa, with the new super powers the author had given her, was too fast for her, in a instant she grabbed her and then disappeared with her as quickly as she had appeared.

"Glinda… Nessa…" said Elphaba faintly, looking at the spot where her best friend had disappeared with the sister she had believed dead.

Fiyero hated to break the sentimental moment, but he thought they'd better get going fleeing a fate worse than death, "Come on Fae."

But he was too late, they had already been miraculously transported to a foully floral smelling, candle lit room with a large, deep red bed with satin sheets and no doors or windows.

Elphaba looked around furiously and then turned to face the ceiling, "What is the meaning of this?" she shouted.

"You wouldn't let me write a reunion story," replied the author, "so you're going to give me some Fiyeraba!"

"No," Elphaba replied moving to the corner of the room on the opposite side to Fiyero and crossing her arms, "I refuse to help you pollute the Wicked fanfic section."

"You will succumb to my will!" the author shrieked manically, and suddenly Elphaba's, rather conservative, black dress turned into a lacy bright red nightgown, barley covering the essentials, and Fiyero's shirt mysteriously disappeared. Elphaba crossed her arms tighter and acted as if nothing had happened, Fiyero was… slightly less noble… his eyes skimmed the skin the low cut nightgown revealed but looked away innocently when Elphaba shot him a warning glare.

Seeing that her plan was still not working the author spoke furiously, "Fine, I wanted to make this longer but if we have to start later in the fic I'll live," and promptly removed the rest of their clothing, leaving them both stark naked.

Elphaba rolled her eyes, "That's pathetic, do you really think this will work? We're not stu… Yero stop!" she snapped as she noticed Fiyero staring at her and inching closer.

"It WILL work!" The author assured them and suddenly Elphaba and Fiyero found themselves on the bed, which now took up the whole room and the walls of the roon moving inwards, forcing them closer and closer together…

"Fae…" said Fiyero carefully, his eyes still unable to stop roaming her body, "Would it really hurt? I mean, it's not like she's controlling either of us… and…"

"No!" said Elphaba instantly, "I am not participating in any smut written by a virgin!"

Fiyero suddenly shuddered and moved as far away from her as possible (which was not very far considering the rapidly shrinking room), nothing could be as bad as that kind of smut, even being squashed to death. The tortured couple could only watch as the walls moved further inward, sealing their doom.

Suddenly, moments before they turned into Elphaba and Fiyero mash, Fiyero found himself outside again and, thankfully, clothed. Elphaba was nowhere to be seen.

A girl about his age came towards him, she had beautiful, silky, flowing, bright, shiny, strawberry blonde hair which flowed down with a graceful elegance to her sexy thighs, she was exactly 5"4 and looked like a combination of Amy Lee and Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth. She wore a sexy short indigo dress with deep blue stripes and matching tights with gold high heels that she walked so gracefully in that she appeared to be floating in the air. As she walked into the sun she sparkled just like Edward Cullen but more prettily, as she got closer Fiyero could see that her beautiful multicoloured violet eyes also glittered with beauty.

When she spoke her voice sounded like the jingling bells of Santa's sleigh combined with a voice more beautiful that Elphaba and Glinda's singing voices put together, "Hello, Fiyero my love, I have missed you so much!"

"Who in Oz are you?"

"Why Fiyero, do you not remember me? I am Moonlight Indigo India Glitter Sparkles Moonshine Glimmer Diarrhoea Silver Golden Mary Enoby Eagle Sunrise Slytherin Belle Raven Edwina Alice Vampyre Pixie Wolfe Goodness Trixiebelle Tinkerbelle Ariel Dawn Dusk Noon New Moon Tara Eclipse Twilight Smith but you can call me Moonlight for short! I'm your one true love and soul mate!"

"Wait – isn't that Elphaba?" Fiyero asked bewildered, "Even your author thought so…"

"Don't be silly!" laughed Moonlight, her laugh was so pure and innocent that all the animals on the hillside that they were standing on came out to play at the sound of the musical giggles, "Elphaba's green and ugly and a witch and unpopular and she never loved you anyway just wanted you for your money and power and put you under a love spell because she's a manipulative bitch. You're a prince and popular and sexy, and I'm the most popular girl in the world and stunningly beautiful and the Queen of the Kingdom of Eternal Moonlight – that's where I got my name – and your true love and we deserve each other!1!"

 _Sweet Oz, it's a Sue,_ thought Fiyero, _maybe if I play it casual…_

"Erm, Moonlight… sweetie, I'm not quite sure we're right for each other… you see…"

Moonlight's beautiful eyes widened beautifully with beautiful (and sexy) understanding, "Oooooh, you don't think you're good enough for me Yeroipoo? Well don't worry – you're not – but I love you anyway. But if it makes you feel any better I'm sure our wonderful author can make you sexier…"

And instantly Fiyero found his white pants get tighter and tighter and tighter…

"STOP!" he screamed at the sky desperately! "You're going to hurt… the anatomy of my nether regions."

"What?" said the author.

Fiyero rolled his eyes, "My boy thingy."

"Oh," his pants considerably loosened.

"Don't worry Fiyero," said Moonlight happily (Fiyero was instantly worried), "I still think you're sexy!" and then she pounced.

The amazing strength the author seemed to have given her Sue, made her instantly able to tackle him to the ground and rip off their clothes and he struggled as she desperately tried to put his 'thingy' into her 'you-know-what'.

"NO!" Fiyero screamed, "You can make me a cripple, you can kill me in the No Good Deed scene, you can make me live forever and watch everyone I love die, you can make me be squashed by a tree in the As Long as You're Mine scene, you can make Boq chop my head off and give it as a present to Glinda and, if you must, you can even discontinue my favourite range of shampoo! But please, please, please, I'm begging you, please do not subject me to this!"

"Fine," said the author and Moonlight disappeared.

"What?" said Fiyero, when he had recovered enough to speak, the author had actually listened to him?

"Writing Wicked fanfic's too much work," she announced, "and I think Wicked's rubbish now anyway, Harry Potter's much better. Draco and Hermione forever! That Ron's just a bastard trying to steal Hermione." And with that the author deleted all the words on her document and all of her Oz disappeared leaving Fiyero in blackness and falling… falling…

And, as all authors who can't think of an good ending end their fics, it was all a dream and Fiyero woke up next to his delightfully unsueish wife. But was she canon?

"Fae, Fae," he shook her gently by the shoulders.

Elphaba opened her eyes slowly and groaned, "What is it Yero? It's still dark."

"Erm nothing much…"

"You woke me up for nothing? Let me sleep." And with a well aimed (and painful) kick at his leg she rolled over and went back to sleep.

Fiyero grinned, there really was no place like home.


End file.
